All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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