Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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