Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
