you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
