All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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