I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize