I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
