its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
