I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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