Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Im part way to drunk.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
