After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got inside last night via doggy door
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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