i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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