I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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