I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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