Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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