it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
