and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
