my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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