I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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