just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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