i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
