That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
