1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
