Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
