I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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