Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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