I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
