the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I have aggressive nipples.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
