I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
