the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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