As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
