We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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