I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
