She is in my trunk
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
