I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
