He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize