addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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