I showed him my bush... on skype.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
