Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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