I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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