I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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