Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
