I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
