I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
