Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
