Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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