so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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