final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
