Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
