You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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