1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
