The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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