I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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