you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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