I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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