After last night, I could never be a politician.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
