This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
