he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
