I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
