I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
